slightly left of center thoughts

Gasp for air

Pray for courage

Wipe beads of sweat

With the back of your hand

Feel the thin coldness in your palm

And slowly,

Carefully,

Lay it down–

Against innocent skin

Turn your head away

Yet savor

Ooh! The tangy sweetness

Of sharp, biting pain

Then, marvel

At the sight

Of dark, warm Red

December 18, 2007 11:26 pm

No projects. No deadlines. No chapters and provisions to commit to memory. Only these three cases that must be shoved into my lethargic mind before 6:30 p.m. tomorrow are on my chore list. How boring could life get?

Yet, why the heck am I complaining???

I don’t understand myself sometimes. It’s either I complain of too much work to do, or having none at all. Had I not waited for two months to finally bask in this moment when I completely—well okay, not completely, pero almost—own my time and thus can waste as much of it as I want? The past weeks after my getaway to Palawan were close to a harrowing hell. It was simply a blur of deadlines, researches, sleepless nights and sleep-deprived days, stomach churning recitations and most importantly—stress-induced binge-eating!

Huhuhu (getting misty-eyed) I know I’ve gotten fatter and fattest through the weeks and I really can’t help feeling depressed, especially now that Christmas is just around the corner and family reunions are just around the corner and the relatives…ooh the relatives!…will definitely comment first about my, ehem, [pleasingly] plum figure (if you can still call this plump, much less pleasing!) even before they greet me “Merry Christmas”. They’ll probably think that I’m worse off than last year =(

Too much pessimism, eh? It ruins my Christmas mood! Makes me crave for Prissy’s fruitcake…

If only thinking so hard of a sexier figure could burn enough calories to actually make me thinner. And if only my endless planning of an exercise and diet regimen  translated into real action! Regrets, regrets! No use for them now. I’d say, just make the most of what I have—you know, bilbil and all—and put a brave face before those who’d notice my, ehem, figure. I mean, what can I do? It’s in the genes (my mother would probably be mad hehe). And also, don’t people know that it’s usually not nice to be making personal comments—an example of which is, “Uy!Mataba ka today ah!”—even if they deliver it with an innocent smile?

Darn, why am I being so sensitive anyway? After all these years…

it’s not really bad most of the times. I do manage.

xxxxxx

I guess what I’m most looking forward to this Christmas season, apart from planning the menu for the noche buena and media noche, is that I’ll finally have time to enjoy the company of my friends and even have coffee or a drink or two with them.  I also love the parties where I can laugh and have tons of great fun. Yes, I use the Christmas spirit as an excuse to remove myself away from the stressors in my life. And who doesn’t?  And yes, I so much miss my friends. Sometimes, it even reaches the point whenI feel so all alone, so spinter-y, like I’m going to be eaten by Aleutian dogs some day. It’s scary thinking that  I’m on the verge of losing the people who really care for me. There was even a time when I began questioning my priorities. Anyways, so much for that, I’m depressing myself once again, which is not good since it might lead to another sadness-induced binge-eating.

What I’ve learned all these times is that life is a never-ending balancing act. Yes, yes, I know I shouldn’t be bragging about what I’ve learned in life; it sounds pretentious and all-knowing. Every person has his or her life lessons. Pero…I’ll write it down anyway hehe…what are journals for but for two-cents worth di ba? As I was saying…once that balance is lost, everything else also feels skewed. Sure, you can always justify those extra hours you’ve spent at work or in school. After all, today is the time of uncertainties. Then again, it could be so lonely. Sometimes nga we are not even aware that we’re already missing out on the most important things in life. Most importantly, routine kills passion! Kaya nga I’m desperate to have a life.

*Yawn* I’m kind of sleepy already. I guess I really don’t have anything to write. Usually if my life lacks drama, then the impetus to sit down and write is also not there. I’m not a very madramang tao. I overanalyze sometimes but I hate to  magnify things, as this often causes weirdness on my part hehe…I always like to appear normal. This is nonsense already. So much for this. I’ve nipped the holiday spirit in its bud with my petty dramas. Sorry, I’m just bored. I’ll shut up now. Promise, this will be my last anemic pre-holiday fuss.  Good night to the world. *Yawn* I guess I’ll just read the cases later. That is if I overcome my languor, good luck na lang. *Yawn*

October 17, 2007  9:30 am

“Tila ba ang katamaran ay nanunuot sa aking mga buto at kasu-kasuan.” This was what came to mind during one of my spells this morning, articulating the exact state of my self today—lazy, slob, inefficient, sluggish and weak. It’s as if the vitamins never worked. Or maybe it’s the impending migraine that is yet to strike full force. Even the simple effort of punching my fingers into the keyboard to form these words is a massive effort already. I can barely rack my brain for the appropriate vocabulary. All I want to do is lie down in my semi-soft bed, daydream and then fall asleep. But I know the consequences of such actions, that is why I can never let myself indulge. If I go to bed now, I’ll eventually drown in remorse, guilt and anxiety later…

I feel so frustrated with my laziness. But it’s not my choice, is it?

~~~~0000~~~~~~

I decided to type anything today in hope that I’ll pique my sleeping mind. Fortunately, my tactic seems to work, but not yet enough. I’m working on my take-home exam in Statutory Construction under Atty. Imperial, and I’m so lazy to finish it. In fact, I’m barely done with the first number harharhar…and I still have five more to go. Whoohoo!

~~~~~~~00000~~~~~~~

Then, I heard my fave song, “Crash into Me” by the Dave Matthews. I feel more relaxed now. It reminds of my carefree college days. How I miss those days!—most especially, my hour-glass figure (charing!) harharhar (bitter laugh)

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Now I am thinking! I figure that the reason for my uncontrollable laziness is my recent lack of exercise. Last week and the previous ones, I’ve been relentlessly exercising—in fact, to the point of being obsessive-compulsive about it. I was energetic. But then the exam week and the peak season came; exercise was shoved into the backseat of my life. I have neither the time nor the attention for it. My schedule is packed as it is, I can’t possibly make way for a capricious regime of exercise. But now, I have just realized the cost of my sacrifice.

No, I cant disregard an integral part of a healthful life (wow, I’m sounding like a health guru!I’ve read too much health articles, I guess). I can’t set aside what is good and healthy for my body and mind just to meet the countless deadlines and requirements that never seem to stop. I might have crossed-out every item in my must-do list but if i had to kill my self to do so, my achievement will be nothing but a Pyrrhic victory (tsk, stating the obvious! Can’t my mind come up with something new??). Having arrived at this conclusion, I become even more disoriented harharhar…

Anyways, I guess I better get back to the real action: a take-home exam to complete, a thirty-minute exercise regime to carry out, and a deadline to beat. So…fix a cup of coffee and go!

April 12, 2007

I felt the earth shaking beneath my feet. The city breathes; I felt its quivering pants while I am caught up in my own quandary. Feeling dizzy, I thought, “How do I hail a cab in this torrential rain?”

I was standing wet beneath the MRT station, so hungry and in dire need of fresh air that I thought I was about to faint. But the fear of letting my brother down supplied a new surge of courage. Thus, braving the large pelts of rain, I went head-on towards the mass of vehicles and finally got us a taxi. In thirty minutes, we are safe and warm eating our buffet dinner while trying oh-so-hard to socialize with our distant city-folk cousins.

This is just one episode of my five-day break–a tiring respite yet respite nonetheless. Now I am back in front of my PC monitor, lazily thinking of what to think just to pique my mind. A curious thing, just when I can finally go back to my old self-centered introvert self, I suddenly miss the hubbub and commotion at my aunt’s cramped apartment. I miss that brief period when my attention was not on my priorities and myself but on the comfort of my frail lolo and lolas and on the sanity of all the people around me. It was a brief period that I held my moods in check, earnestly laughed out loud, laughed and smiled a lot, had my picture taken more often, wholeheartedly tried to be nice, and attempted to search for a potential crush but failed in this latter aspect. Overall, I can say that my summer vacation, albeit short and blotched by brief moments of self-doubt (charing!) and frustration, is worthy to be immortalized as a journal entry. After all, every new experience refreshes us with a renewed perspective, sense of self and understanding. In several ways, I believe that circumstances tested my limits.

~~~~~~~ 000~~~~~~~~~

It was for my Uncle Nilo’s wedding that we travelled 400 kilometers from home to the nation’s capital; around 100 km. is badly paved road. My Uncle Nilo is the ideal bachelor—handsome, kind, soft-spoken, mild-mannered, uncomplicated, funny, and rich, err, financially stable. I haven’t seen him for quite a while. He’s been in Canada for over five years but I can never forget the time he gave me P500 before I entered university. Back then, P500 was a big thing. But it was his acts of kindness–like giving me the pair of earrings he got for free from a mall promo, dunno if he still remembers–that made him more endearing. No, we were never close, but I guess he is that adult figure in my life that I never really got to know well nor spent considerable time with but will always remember with admiration. Thus, Uncle Nilo’s wedding was worth all the haste, the shouting sprees, the sweltering heat of the Metro and that rainy night when I blindly searched for a taxi…I need not state out loud that am happy for Aunty Karen and glad that they’ve found each other (thanks to modern communication technology!)

~~~~~~~~0000~~~~~~~

By the way, today is ma’s birthday.

September 17, 2006 11:45 p.m.

Now is my first encounter with a direct threat to my security and safety. I am always proud that I’ve never been held-up, nor ever been victimized by a snatcher or any other hoodlums lurking in the shadows waiting to prowl on innocent preys. Yes, I’ve never felt the fear and the trauma associated with those experiences. But tonight, after a burglar shook the security in our house, I must say that it felt like a worst nightmare coming true.

Everything happened so fast. All I can remember is my brother shouting and heading for the door, and me being jolted from my friendly chitchat with my friends at YM and likewise heading for the door to prevent my brother from opening it. It all happened so fast. Then I remembered my mom and dad going out of their room with their feathers all ruffled. My dad, being the primary male in the house, was acting aggressive and was trying to open our kitchen door. My mom, well ma, was definitely panicky and nervous. I guess I was the only one who remained calm amidst all the events. I was the one who thought of contacting Melody, my friend and the daughter of the chief security officer in our compound, as if the security officers in our place is of any good at all.

We were all panicky and our neighbors did not even have a clue. I almost had that urge to shout “Magnanakaw!!!” just like in the movies… The feeling was indescribable. It was the only time that I felt totally, totally, totally protective of my family and my home. After which, real anger coursed through my veins, like as if I want all the criminals here on earth dead on the spot. How many more houses, families and individuals are being victimized right this very moment by people who have nothing to offer to the world but misery, fear and losses? They deserve to be punished — and punished really hard!

I always witness crime and death in the news, but all those things were just mere information for me back then. Some things that happen to other people. Before, being victimized was a remote fact, and I felt some kind of invincible. Only now did I realize the reality of it all. It shook me up and gave me my first taste of distrust and the genuine feel of evilness all around us. Yes, it made me acutely aware that bad people certainly do exist — and acutely aware of my vulnerability.

It was just a frustrated-robbery case, we did not even see the face of our assailant/s, and nothing has been lost except for my brother’s smelly pants, yet it was real. Now I’m imagining how it was like for those who had actually seen true evil in the eye, those who had really felt being assailed, attacked and touched by their assaulters, those who were truly victimized, those who had lost a loved one and those who had lost everything. How much more pain, anger and fear had they felt during those situations? And even more, how much helplessness?

September 13, 2006

To all watchers of Rockstar: Supernova, I think you can relate to this. Nevertheless,

I think anyone who experienced being star-obsessed and fanatic will understand quite as well.

Different emotions are fighting for my attention today – fighting to be the first to be documented in my journal But I guess the strongest feeling that I have now is that with Magni, my sweet, molten hot, magnificent Magni. Magni, what happened? Supernova did not like your performance (Tommy Lee, to be exact). Though I myself could not relate with that, you still look sooo handsome on stage. You exude the exact charisma of a great rocker and artist. I guess the problem is that you fail to connect with your audience (not like Dilana and Toby Rand). Here’s a piece of advice Magni, when you perform, it’s not about “me”– Am I looking great? Do I look cool? Will I impress them? Because it should always be about “them” — Are they having fun? Can they connect with me? Is watching me an enjoyable experience for them? Okay Magni, you got that? I know, because I am a discerning audience (charing!)

To state it more clearly, I think Tommy Lee is insecure with you. You’re better looking than he is, plus, I think you’re nicer too. It’s totally awesome how you try to help your competitors and how you never went through that Dilana-bashing episode. You are also a very good family man (good, but sad for me!). I’ve once read in Reader’s Digest that the Icelanders are the happiest people on earth. And when you’re happy you exude a happy aura which makes others around you happy also. Maybe that’s why you’re the most well-behaved there, and the nicest too, with just a little hint of naughtiness, you know what I mean. Well, rockers have the right be happy, clean and nice too, just like you, Magni. Whatever happens, we are your fans (Joann and I)! And if ever you don’t win the Rockstar:Supernova lead singer position, which I think is bound to happen, we will be waiting for your CDs at Odyssey Record stores here in ‘Pinas!!

I can’t wait for the season finale, but my stomach is in knots with this gut feeling that my crush, as in CRUSH OF MY LIFE, is going to be eliminated. AAArrrrggghhhh, I can’t take it. (Joann must think I am crazy already LOL!)  Still, life goes on. Really, thanks to Magni for inspiring me to go back to my roots, which is rock n roll, alternative and grunge. Yeah, I must be a rockstar too, in my past life that is. And now I want to be one. Who knows, right?

P.S. I woke up really early for that show (based on my own standards of earliness). It’s just sad that now is the last week that I am going to wait for Wednesday and Thursday to watch Rockstar.

~~~~~ 000 ~~~~~

God, I’m so exhausted, partly from the excruciatingly long hours that I’ve been wearing my high-heeled sandals tonight, and partly from the string of tiring projects that occupied me this weekend and had turned me into this occasionally depressed insomniac person that I am now. But I must say that my girl’s night out with Melay and Joann (and Portia—she’s in another table) has been a stress-reliever somehow. For one, I did not spend a penny — it was Joann’s treat,  hehehe and most importantly, I had another doze of our sidesplitting laughing session, which I am always looking forward to whenever I go out with those crazy UP Bugkos sisses. Well, except with Portia and Riza who are more on the serious side, Melay and Joann, hah! You could guess that we were all inmates in the same mental hospital, or perhaps in a high-security prison. Hehehe I’ve finally discovered my fellow psychopaths here in Naga, thanks for that. And guess further, they’ve even inspired me to write this entry in my blog! Sigh… Now, I can finally lay my tired body to rest. I’ve done my mission. Good night to the world (to the moon and stars, and to all my favorite things)…*Yawn*

Now that I finally have some time for myself, I do not know what to do with it! Yes, I’ve been lolling around the whole morning (which is not really whole since I woke up at 11, sigh) trying to figure out what I should do first. You know when you are at the mercy of deadlines and urgent ‘must-do’s’ you instantly know what to prioritize first, but when that time comes that you have some temporary liberty from time and work constraints, you get confused what should come first since the loaned time available is so limited and so precious. Now, am I making a good use of my time?

Last night was the beginning of my rest days, so to speak, and I have asked almost all my friends to accompany me in me well-deserved night out. Lo and behold! Nobody was available. In fact, only three responded to my text messages out of the dozen I sent, while the rest ignored me. No, I’m not complaining or anything, I just find it mysterious. Where have all the people gone? Why is there a 360 degrees turn of events? Last week, when I was at the throes of self-inflicted difficulties (it’s my fault why I had difficult projects!) and mind-numbing research, all these guys were asking me to go out and now that I’m feeling breezy and light and confident to have fun, they are gone.

Perhaps it’s God’s will so that I can watch “The Last Samurai” at HBO heehee…and speaking of the film, I found it really beautiful, and I remembered that I always wanted to go to Japan ( I even joked to my mother that I’ll have voice lessons so that I can work as a singer, which I guess is the easiest way to go there)…

So anyway, after spending the rest of my evening dressed in gimmick clothes while watching cable, because my supposed kagimiks did not arrive, I began to ponder on my next priorities. I will study for my TMAs (for UPOU). Period. Maybe that was fate’s way of reminding me of my other obligations. Okay, I understand. Fate can be so KJ. But it’s okay, really, I do understand. 

I have not messed up the art of writing for quite some time and I thought that it’s about time to update my outdated blog post. I had several projects for the past days though, even during my birthday. Yes, July 7 and I have to face toil in order to submit three projects, which were all due that day. I cannot understand this phenomenon, every time it’s my birthday, I usually feel depressed. Hmm…maybe because I am expecting to feel special, I am waiting to see a new person in me or perhaps a beautiful presage for my days to come, but still the day remains ordinary. For the rest of the world, July 7 is just an ordinary day: go to work, go back home, buy some stuff, then watch soap opera at night. Unfortunate for me, the birthday girl, my day also had the same twist.

My parents did their best to commemorate that day. My mom told me how she braved the night and the wet, asphalted road aboard a provincial ambulance, only to go to a better hospital where she can deliver me…My mom is really a strong person. My dad cooked the 1-Kilo spaghetti they have been hoarding in the cupboard for special occasions. He cooked that much even if I told him that my friends are not coming over, so we spent several days snacking on reheated pasta. He also bought me cake, with icing greetings on top. Sigh, so typically sweet for a parent =) As for me, I was nonchalant, trying to shrug everything off, just trying to focus on the work that I have to do while replying to all the gazillion text greetings that I received. It’s a good thing that I bought load, and even better that I used that load off trying to thank everyone who remembered.

So to make my story quite worthwhile to read, I asked my friends to go out last Sunday night, 2 days after my birthday. I realized that it really feels great to be with those persons who feel almost like a second skin to you. Those who will salvage you from your own bad jokes and those who are not shy to order quite as much =)…Food, drinks, many laughs and stories, those guys really made me happy. And when I went home, I was still beaming despite my mom’ s interrogations.

Recently, while on a tricycle ride, my friend Joann was telling me that she stopped counting her age. I told her that it’s because we no longer feel our age. It’s as if we are forever stuck at 20, or was it 21? Nevertheless, the world goes on spinning, but it seems that my inner self remains the same. Probably this is not true because we continuously pick-up things from our environment, and learning is a constant event even if we don’t realize it. Yet still, I can’t believe that I am 24. Most of the times, I have to remind myself of my age.

So as for now, I am back here in my private nook. In fact, I feel almost confined to this small alcove of mine where I conceptualize many of my ideas. In retrospect, I used to have (and perhaps I still do) the fantasies of exploring the world. I used to think that when I work, I will travel to see, taste, sniff, and feel everything. Right now, I’m pretty much trapped, but soon I’ll come to that. I hope that for the coming 348 days before I turn 25, I will reach new places, (see new kinds of bustle, hear new kind of noise/music, taste unfamiliar foods, etc…) and most of all broaden my horizon…Sigh, 348 days, I guess, is rather long for dreaming…

I’m supposed to be happy because its payday today, but the crinkles at the side of my eyes this afternoon and the constant smile that graced my glossed lips are due to another reason. I was with my old high school chums, Deo, Kat and Mel, which gave me far greater satisfaction than harvesting money and achievement-charing! (too bad that Dada was not with us, so we just talked about her, hehe joke). What was supposed to be a ‘bisita sa gadan’ became a mini-reunion for us. Anyway, it’s always like mini-reunion for us…there’s just so many stories to tell and memories to recall. Friends, therefore, are the real wealth (cliche but true)!

It was a good break after the parade of tiring projects. Loads of laughs on a single, happy afternoon is enough to rejuvenate me of my sapped energy and enthusiasm. Once again , I had a good taste of crisp reality . During the past few days, I must admit that everything revolves around my own time – it’s as if I’m in a time capsule totally engrossed with my own reality. This afternoon though, the colors went back in my life.  Dear Lord, thanks for that.

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I have another grace to thank for, that my ol’ friend, my roommate for five and a half years sounds fine again. She was nursing a broken heart but distance and personal preoccupation kept me from sharing her deepest heartaches. Now, I can see that she’s almost back in her feet again ( hopefully I’m right!) Her texts are a constant reminder that there were once rowdy, unruly, unorganized, crazy and supercrazy, rule-breaking girls who happily inhabited newforeha room onetwenty =)

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Pia Torres, cheers to you. Good luck on your next step in life.

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Hey Joann, you know, I’m always looking forward to our coffee afternoons. Even though it costs me bucks (hehe joke only), you are almost always the one who have to bear with my incessant blabber and second hand smoke. I did not lie in my friendster testi. It is true. Wheneve I am around your company, I am always in my most honest self…hehe…whatever that means…Next time, we’ll drink beer =) Cheers.